90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]