Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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I gently slid her panties to the side….
so that I cud fit the rest of her socks in the drawer.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
All is fair in drunk and war.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
3YO: Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister?
ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you.