90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

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Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you



I gently slid her panties to the side….

so that I cud fit the rest of her socks in the drawer.


April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox


When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave


The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.


*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom


3YO: Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister?
ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you.