@ericonederful

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

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@Marcmywords2

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

@i_wantMyBiitch

I gently slid her panties to the side….

so that I cud fit the rest of her socks in the drawer.

@krisv_723

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

@rickolantern

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

@bonehugsnirony

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

@ThisOneSayz

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

@MUMSIEesq

3YO: Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister?
ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you.