90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

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The problem with speaking the truth is..

..you assume others do too


*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.


Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes


11: I did!


11: just maybe not all of them


Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly


Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.


I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it’s “adorable,” but if I do, I’m “causing a disturbance” and “need to leave”? Whatever.


Me: Time for sleep.
Brain: Finish this episode.
Me: Ok, but then I’m going to sleep.
Brain: Check Twitter.
Me: Fine, but that’s it. I’m going to sleep now.
Brain: Why didn’t you ever ask out Anna in 9th grade? Imagine how different your life could be.
Me: I’ll make coffee.


My cow Rosie won 3 blue ribbons at last year’s 4H show so I have pretty high hopes for her at this year’s chili cook off.