90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
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People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
pizza
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-