90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
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I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Bruh PLEASE
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
why am I working on Labor Day
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.