90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
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2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better