@Try2StopME

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

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@SnarkyMommy78

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

@bransonreese

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

@jus4golf

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

@FilthyRichmond

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

@ChabbyD

You mix your whiskey with Coke, I mix mine with poor life choices.

@Daddy_dougie

I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..

He’s a small arms dealer.

@dreamthievin

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

@jergarl

Me: I love you with my hole heart.

Wife: Wrong hole.

@dlicj

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos