Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
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Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*fires up juicer
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
You mix your whiskey with Coke, I mix mine with poor life choices.
I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..
He’s a small arms dealer.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Me: I love you with my hole heart.
Wife: Wrong hole.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos