90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
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They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box