You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
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8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there