@t0shiba

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

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@Mom_Overboard

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

@GuyThe_Guy

It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.

@Where__wolf

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

@mellimelle

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

@PaperWash

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

@VaDawn13

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

@thatdutchperson

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

@ItsAndyRyan

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

@BadJordon

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.