90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

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Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner


It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.


If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*throws rocks


Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.


“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*


Narrator: The power of Febreeze


Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.


*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”


Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.


Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.