90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
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Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Real House Wines.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Natty or not?
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen