contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
90 years from now, they’ll sing songs about the courage and bravery you displayed during the great “Instagram Selling Your Photos” skirmish.
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Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
her: i love astrology
me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest
her: that’s astronomy, and yes
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Pro tip: don’t do anything to entertain a toddler that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing 1,000,000 more times
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Someone I don’t know sent me a message that was just 3 question marks, and I replied, “Same.”
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.