‘90s movie villain: You have 2 minutes to hack into the pentagon or I’ll blow your head off!

Hacker: (frantically starts fumbling at an AOL disc package)

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woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing


Salad tastes pretty good once you add some Nutella and throw away the salad.


THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.


Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself


Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.


Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.


• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go


How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?

Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.


For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.