@suburbanified

‘90s movie villain: You have 2 minutes to hack into the pentagon or I’ll blow your head off!

Hacker: (frantically starts fumbling at an AOL disc package)

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@ch000ch

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

@KKAlThani

Salad tastes pretty good once you add some Nutella and throw away the salad.

@Contwixt

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

@thatdutchperson

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

@Ooft_Headshot

Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.

@TuffyNyC

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

@PaperFury

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

@thatUPSdude

How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?

Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.

@kelkulus

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.