Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.