90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
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Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.