Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
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I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
*sewing*
A thread
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money