The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
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If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no