In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
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The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
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Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist