911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
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Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.