@mack44_d

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

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@MarfSalvador

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

@LostCatDog

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

@OneFunnyMummy

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

@mommy_cusses

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

@GayAtHomeDad

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

@amishschool

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

@Mirth_Quake

Because ‘brunch’ sounds better than ‘I slept until 2pm, I have a hangover and I want pancakes.’

@MensHumor

I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.