911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

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6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not


Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown


I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.


So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.


When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.


My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.


Because ‘brunch’ sounds better than ‘I slept until 2pm, I have a hangover and I want pancakes.’


I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.