911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
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[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
meanwhile over on facebook
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?