911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
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This is I, Robot all over again
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach