911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
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Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?