Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
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You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he’s famous, then they’ll be his friend.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
If I ever lose my phone I want Liam Neeson looking for it