“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
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My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle