Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
‘911 HELP SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE’
uh ok, wow. not loving your tone. why don’t you hang up, lose the ‘tude and lets try that again, pal
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Sometimes late at night in bed i wonder what life choices do i have to make to be the guy who says ‘yeah’ in the background of hip hop songs
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“Smoking breaks” at work should be deducted from annually leave. We all have addictions, you don’t see me leave a meeting to fry plantain
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I compared thee to a summer’s day because I hate summer.