@hippieswordfish

‘911 HELP SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE’

uh ok, wow. not loving your tone. why don’t you hang up, lose the ‘tude and lets try that again, pal

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@slimmy_shady

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

@daplusk

Sometimes late at night in bed i wonder what life choices do i have to make to be the guy who says ‘yeah’ in the background of hip hop songs

@OrdinaryAlso

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

@SammySkinns

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

@KateWhineHall

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

@sgrstk

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

@ProfessorKumi

“Smoking breaks” at work should be deducted from annually leave. We all have addictions, you don’t see me leave a meeting to fry plantain

@PleaseBeGneiss

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious