911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
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waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Labreador
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not