911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
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Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Oh boy, $150,000!
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
they should invent a hydrating liquor