911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
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12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?