Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
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[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS
YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS
YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF
DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Donald Trump’s “perfect” letter to Santa. Via @NewYorker
Hey, babygirl, I have ten bucks and a BOGO coupon for McDonalds. Wanna come watch me eat two Big Macs?
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.