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Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees