There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
You Might Also Like
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.