911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
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Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?