“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

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I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.


CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight


Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.


dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up


Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.


Roses are red.

My name is not Dave.

This poem makes no sense.



Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied


Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?


Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about


Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.