911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
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My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.