@iamburtjarvis

911: whats the emergency?

?: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

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@sportswithjohn

Commentator just said that the rain “may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation,” which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.

@GrantTanaka

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

@murrman5

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

@junejuly12

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

@milkinhisbag

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

@flashember

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

@faisaladam_

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

@vineyille

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

@just1fool

My dog wouldn’t shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.

@Bob_Janke

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?