911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
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Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
How is it still this week?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.