911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
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Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.