911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
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Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.