“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
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If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old