This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
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If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”