@Dustinkcouch

911: what’s ur emergency

me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what’s going on?

me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail

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Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

@Marlebean

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

@EricGoldie

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@Glynner85

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@RobotThomas

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

@funnweaver

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

@goodballs

Call me crazy but you can’t follow, star, retweet, and trophy me and then act surprised when I show up to your house in a wedding dress.