Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
911: what’s ur emergency
me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me
911: what’s going on?
me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.
911: and why are you in jail?
me: im callin 911 too much :/
911: yep. you know what this means.
me: worse jail :/
911: *nods* worse jail
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase