@Dustinkcouch

911: what’s ur emergency

me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what’s going on?

me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail

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@Sanbel11

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

@Holy_Mowgli

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

@Jimboleem

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

@CrockettForReal

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

@thetobbie

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

@Staggfilms

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

@Shenaniglenns

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

@LurkAtHomeMom

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.