I’m so embarrassed. I just learned that that Pringles holder on my treadmill is for water bottles!
911: what’s ur emergency
me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me
911: what’s going on?
me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.
911: and why are you in jail?
me: im callin 911 too much :/
911: yep. you know what this means.
me: worse jail :/
911: *nods* worse jail
You Might Also Like
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire.
Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
In a parallel universe, your password forgets you.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Jupit. Jupiter. Jupitest.
Call me crazy but you can’t follow, star, retweet, and trophy me and then act surprised when I show up to your house in a wedding dress.