The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
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Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼