@FrogAvalanche

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

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@CulturedRuffian

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

@Elizasoul80

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

@ClichedOut

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

@SCbchbum

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

@amselts

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

@mejustbeth

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

@AndrewNadeau0

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

@BruceForce

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really