911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
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I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy