“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.