911: what’s your emerg-
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

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Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.


Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.


Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat


When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.


One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.


Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat


[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*