Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Yes my dude
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*