911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet