Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
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I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
this could fix me
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Meeeee too!
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on