@Sickayduh

“911 what’s your emergency?”

– I’ve been catfished by a dozen men

“We’re on our way”

– Gonna arrest them?

“Gonna shut off your internet”

You Might Also Like

@MichaelTrying

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

@JoshuaGrubbsPhD

An apology, to my wife:

I am sorry,
The kids were playing
Some sort of cowboy game

The five year old
Kept yelling
‘Yippee Ki Yay’

I did not think.
Instinctively, I
Finished the phrase.

And now he knows
A new word.

@aotakeo

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

@sofarrsogud

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

@NickAmadeus

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

@withanewname

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

@druuuck

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

@LionJenkins

Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down

Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in

Now out

Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about

@Havish_AF

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…