It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
– I’ve been catfished by a dozen men
“We’re on our way”
– Gonna arrest them?
“Gonna shut off your internet”
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An apology, to my wife:
I am sorry,
The kids were playing
Some sort of cowboy game
The five year old
‘Yippee Ki Yay’
I did not think.
Finished the phrase.
And now he knows
A new word.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down
Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in
Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
-My daughter: We are being watched.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…