Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
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If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
thank god the sign was there
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?