@slimmy_shady

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

- @slimmy_shady

You Might Also Like

@Pumpkinbabypie

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

@somewhatalady

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

@Schmoodles

Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.

@_SingleBabyMama

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

@qwertygirl

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

@TheTweetOfGod

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

@thisgirlstace

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.