Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.
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Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”
My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Do men prefer straight or curly hair? Need to know so I can tell my roommate the opposite and then try to steal her boyfriend.