– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.

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Angry beavers can’t get our packaging open, but go ahead and try in your weakened state lol

-cold medicine companies


“And a giant pink rabbit brings chocolate eggs to everyone’s house and that’s how we celebrate Easter.”
“So where does Jesus fit in?”


How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?


Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.


Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.


*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?


Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s


If a pregnant friend tells you what the kid’s name will be just whisper “AND THE DARK LORD’S PROPHECY WILL BE FULFILLED.” They love that.