I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
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i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
craving $300 all of a sudden
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo