@SamuelHLowe

– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.

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@3sunzzz

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

@JoParkerBear

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

@HeyoShellz

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

@marcodas146

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

@causticbob

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

@djdarrellripley

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

@ohpegah

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

@DaddyJew

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

@NYC_Blonde

Do men prefer straight or curly hair? Need to know so I can tell my roommate the opposite and then try to steal her boyfriend.