“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
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‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
A choir of Spring onions
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
the world’s most popular steaming services
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby