911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
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Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”