@michaeljhudson
@LlamaInaTux
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
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@michaeljhudson
@MatCro
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
@fillthevacuum
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
@Tommytoughstuff
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
@Tbone7219
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
@theyearofelan
Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???
@torrami
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
@Underchilde
I sure get a lot of compliments on my people skills for someone who flips off 10 people every day.
@SortaBad
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
@_youhadonejob1
Lack of milkshakes may cause lack of bladder control.
