@GABBYdaAngSaya

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

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@TylerFoFyler

Had a big mix up at the store today, apparently when the clerk said “strip down facing me,” she meant my credit card.

@Reverend_Scott

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

@FredTaming

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

@thesulk

“I got chills, they’re multiplying, and I’m losin’ control.” Buddy, you got stomach flu.

@BoomBoomBetty

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

@robfee

While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective weapon against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?

@GregDorris

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

@realHamOnWry

I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.