@GABBYdaAngSaya

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

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@Marlebean

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

@InternetHippo

*sees an article from 2 months ago* This is useless to me. Who cares how the ancients lived

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

@TheJamesH1

All my friends say that I’m a psychopath. That’s not true, I don’t have any friends.

@MooseAllain

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

@TheAndrewNadeau

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

@Home_Halfway

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

@McGrumpenstein

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

@thepaulasuzanne

The question, in my car, is not WHERE did that lone French fry come from, but WHEN did that lone French fry come from?