911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

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Had a big mix up at the store today, apparently when the clerk said “strip down facing me,” she meant my credit card.


Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?


who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure


“I got chills, they’re multiplying, and I’m losin’ control.” Buddy, you got stomach flu.


Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.


While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective weapon against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?


It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.


I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.