911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
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Never let them know your next move 😂
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Hot hot hot 🥵
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.