@laurenreeves

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

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@thenoahkinsey

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

@RandallOtisTV

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

@kelkulus

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

@slimmy_shady

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

@KrazykurtKurt

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

@ninetek

If you’re having luftballon problems I feel bad for you son I got 99 luftballons and whatever whatever I don’t speak German

@Sickayduh

[Touring Italy]
Guide: Bathroom anyone?
Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza
Guide: That’s Pisa
Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza