911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
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Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.