I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
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DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
how was your vacation
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!