All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
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My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
A fake ID that makes you younger
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail