@notbedelia

911: what’s your emergency?

M: I’m out of ketchup.

911: miss I don’t think u get how 911 works.

M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK

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@JermHimselfish

Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.

@chashmaswag

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

@PaperFury

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

@sofarrsogud

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

@Darlainky

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

@MantisBlue

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

@theshamingofjay

Make sure you finish all of your math homework, there are dumb kids in America who can’t add – parents in China, probably

@NoTheOtherJohn

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

@Sorrowscopes

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

@BoomBoomBetty

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.