You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
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Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”