@Sassafrantz

“911, what’s your emergency?”

Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.

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@kevinrowe1

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

@msevilroyslade

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

@girlposts

having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house

@ghostkrogh

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

@samalmightysam

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

@tayandmae

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

@lovemydogduck

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

@PickleRudd

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

@stephenjmolloy

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.